Love is like speeding down the road,lusting for the rush of adrenaline you get from the danger. The blood enveloping your lifeless body after the smash up is great too.It's got to make a person wonder, why do we jumpoff of cliffs? I KNOW! So we can hit the bottom and break ourselves!!!!!! Not really, and yet, that's usually the end result.

Every day we're out there living our lives, taking risks, being"brave" I wish I knew what it felt like to be smart, instead of brave. You know, to protect myself, instead of destroy myself. I laugh at the fact that I write with so much feeling when right now, I really feel nothing. Well, I suppose that's a lie, I feel a distant ache in the back of my throat, but that will die when I get over him.

I guess the thing is, I love love. I love to love people. Nothing in the world will ever make me happier than loving and being loved in return. Whether that be friends, family, or a "significant other" love is just something that makes the world go round. "I love you." It's the most special thing I've ever heard or said in my life. And I mean it every time I say it.

Lacking love is...like being dead inside. It's like being colorblind. I don't want to say I'm"addicted"to love, because I don't think that's it. I just have SO much love to give, and it seems a lot of the time like no one is receptive to those feelings. It's said that the things you experience when you're in love are some of the most special things that will ever happen to you in your life.

Those experiences are only wonderful when you are experiencing them though. I don't really know if what I thrive for exists. I mean,  I've seen so many relationships that seemed so great go so terribly wrong. The first serious relationship I was in was destroyed by sex, and the second was destroyed by circumstances beyond my control. I don't really know that the second serious relationship I was in existed at all, actually.

It's easy, when you mess up, to take your mistakes and learn from them, but what happens when it's not your mistake? Then, how do you learn from it?? How do you know in advance that the one you love or wish to fall in love with doesn't have some emotional baggage that seems to diminish but then returns to destroy what you had? When do you KNOW the past is in the past?

The answer is, you really don't. That's my problem. I WANT to know, I really do. I want to be sure that I"m risking my heart for something that stands a chance. At the beginning of my last relationship, I wasn't sure, and I wrote poetry about it, and you know what? My instincts were right, and I DIDN'T listen to them! That is not going to happen again to me. I'm not some stupid doormat. I'm glad I've been hurt because now I can stop it from happening again by closing the door.